Sora and the Big Bad Wolf
by Aloria
Summary: Warning: Crack Fic. Not sure what I was on, but includes insanity and OOCness.


_WARNING: Highly OOC and I'm not sure what I was on while writing this. If you get hurt while reading this fic, it's not my fault. Also, I don't own Little Red Riding Hood, or KH2.

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_Once upon a time there lived a little girl-_

"BOY!" Sora shouted, "I'm a BOY!"

_Ahehm. As I was saying. Once upon a time, there lived a little boy... Is that better?_

Sora nodded firmly, "Good. Keep going."

_-A little boy in the village of Destiny Islands who was the prettiest-_

Lifting a fist, Sora shook it, "Now wait a moment, Boys can't be _PRETTY_!"

_Shut UP! They can if they're Bishonen! AS I was SAYING! ...what was I saying? Oh. Here we are: A boy in the village of Destiny Islands who was the prettiest Bishonen ever seen... Though not really, because I mean honestly, if there were a contest of like him, and Riku and Cloud and Sephiroth and maybe throw Squall in there for kicks, I'd have to vote for Sephiroth, and close second on Riku._

"HEY!" Sora shouted, "Either quit with the stupidity and get on with the narration or just quit it entirely!"

_Hey! You hurt my feelings! I'm not gonna be nice to you now!_

Smirking, Sora replied, "Yeah right, Aloria, you love me!"

_You'll see..._

Anyway...

So our hero, Sora, was the prettiest Bishonen in the town, only because Riku lived outside of the city limits and Sephiroth was shacking with Aerith over in Radiant Garden and hiding the fact from Cloud who still thought he had a chance with the Cetra in Pink, but that's for another story...

Sora's mother was very obsessive about his hair, spending hours every morning to make sure it spiked just right, and his grandmother doted upon his large blue eyes. As a gift for Sora's latest birthday, she had adoringly hand crafted a bright red jacket with a hood for her grandson Sora because he just looked so dashing in red. And because red also happened to be his favorite color, Sora gladly wore the jacket- but only after he'd washed the old person smell out of the fabric.

One day, Sora's mother made some cakes- and extra because she knew that Sora would snitch from the basket, and said, "Sora, be a dear and run these over to your grandmother? She's been sick lately and I'm sure she'd love to have you over for a visit!"

Sora grinned, "Sure mom!" and so he took the basket of cakes and snitched one just as he was heading out the door.

"Sora!" his mother called, "You watch out for the wolves. I heard there was one lurking around town lately. It might try to snatch you up and eat you!"

Smirking, Sora ignored his mother, because well, what was one wolf against a Keyblade Master anyway? Besides, this was a Fanfic, written by a demented authoress who has a slight leaning towards Yaoi and Sora figured the wolf was probably Riku and he could defeat Riku hands down. "Hey, maybe I'll get laid in this fic?" Sora muttered around his cake with a catty smile. "Though," the thought did happen to occur to him, "The wolf _could_ be Roxas, and that's kinda like incest, isn't it? Or is it masturbation?"

Lost in his thoughts, Sora wandered down the road, heading further inland because his Grandmother was a weirdo and thought the beach was covered in oil spills and didn't want to expose her wrinkly skin to the sun because she might get burned. As a result, the old woman was about translucent and Sora thought she rather looked like a cave cricket. You know... one of the _white_ ones with the really- _really_ bulging buggy eyes. Anyway, her house was in the middle of the island in the grove of trees that everyone called a forest, but was really little more than a stand of about fifteen hundred-year old pine trees and an oak, which he suspected was the same age as his grandmother, and perhaps even related, for when the oak lost its leaves, the branches looked just like her fingers.

Yeah, he didn't much like his grandmother, but she gave him cash whenever he visited, bribing him to come visit more often.

Sora pulled another cake from his basket as he trotted along, looking ahead to see that he'd already passed the last few houses of the town and was now entering that hilly stretch of unpaved path that led to his grandmother's creepy house, which looked rather like a shack made of candy. When he'd been little, his mother had read him the tale about Hansel and Gretel and how they'd gotten cooked and eaten by an old woman who lived in a candy shack, and even today, Sora still got the willies looking at the place, imagining that one day, his grandmother would ask him to clean her gigantic stove because she couldn't reach the back of it without throwing out her spine or something loony like that.

In any case, Sora was pulled from his thoughts by the figure of a person in a wolf costume.

Stopping in his tracks, Sora stared, mouth falling open as he just gaped at her.

Kairi lifted her hands and adjusted the headband with wolf ears, then looked down to fluff the fur on her wolf-hair halter top she wore. Around her hips, she wore an adorable blue skirt, attached to which was a wolf tail, which swung behind her with every movement. She was one _hot_ Big Bad Wolf.

"Oh!" Kairi blinked, looking up and spotting Sora. Lifting a hand, which was covered by a paw glove, Kairi waved cheerfully, "Hi Sora!"

"Uh... Aloria- you're kidding right?" Sora turned and looked up at the sky. "I thought this was... _HOW_ can I defeat the Big Bad Wolf if he's _Kairi_!"

_Mwahahahaha! That's what you get for hurting my feelings. You're on your own! Sucker!_

"Then again, maybe I'll just forget grandma?"

_Absolutely not!_

Thumping his hands on his hips, Sora demanded, "Why not?"

_Because. I said so! And I am GOD! ...at least for the time being._

A crack of lightning shot to the ground and Sora leapt away, shrieking. Kairi wandered up to stand beside him and peered at the smoking hole, "Hm, maybe you shouldn't harass the Authoress, Sora?" she offered and smiled.

"So cute!" Sora wheezed.

"Huh?"

Flushing pink, Sora shook his head quickly, "Oh, uh! Nothing! Anyway, where were we in the script? Oh, right. Um. I meet the Big Bad Wolf."

Kairi giggled behind her paw-glove and said her line, "Hiya Sora! Where are you going?"

"Why, I'm going to grandma's. You want a cake?" Sora immediately offered one.

Eyes widening, Kairi pulled off her gloves and took the cake, "Oh, you're so sweet, Sora!" she smiled and nibbled the cake. "So- uh, you know. You never told me anything about your grandma, Sora. Does she live far off?"

Screwing his face, Sora looked off towards the distant trees. "Not really that far. Just five minutes from here, in the woods. But seriously, you don't _want_ to see her, she's like albino and creepy."

Smiling brightly, Kairi bounced on her toes, "Oh! I have an idea Sora! It'll be so fun! Let's _race_ to see who gets there first!"

Unable to resist the challenge, Sora grinned, "You're on!" With that, he took off, and Kairi watched, smiling and nibbling her cake as Sora tripped on a rock and fell head-first into a Plot Hole that sprang out of nowhere and swallowed him - shrieking like a little Japanese school girl in a tentacle Hentai show.

_Take your time, dear._

"Thanks, Aloria!" Kairi blew a kiss towards the sky.

_No problem!_

Finishing her cake, Kairi dusted her hands off on her skirt, pulled her gloves on, and started walking towards Sora's grandmother's house. Not more than five minutes later, she arrived at the shack, which did indeed look a lot like that witch's house from the Hansel and Gretel story. Shaking off the creepy feeling she got from staring at the candy cane fence posts, Kairi pushed past the gingerbread gate and walked down the powdered sugar driveway to Grandma's front door and knocked politely.

"Who _is_ it!" crooned a crone's voice from inside.

"It's me!" Kairi said cheerfully, "Sora's friend Kairi! I came to visit you!"

"Sora has _friends_? How darling! Come in, sweetie!" the crone called from inside.

Unnerved, Kairi gingerly pushed open the honey covered door and stepped in, looking around. She found herself in a small foyer that was a lot larger than what Kairi had thought the dimensions of the house were from the outside. To her right was a spacious living room, and to the left, a dining room. "Over here, my dear!" the crone called from the area of the dining room and Kairi stepped in, peeking around the corner to find Yen Sid crouching in front of the stove, staring at it with rabid fascination.

"Wait... _you're_ Sora's grandma?" Kairi asked, pointing with her sticky paw-glove since she didn't have fingers at the moment.

Yen Sid turned partially and blinked, "No. I'm _dating_ Sora's grandma. She makes the best cookies after all."

Pursing her lips, Kairi paused, "Well, um. Do you mind if I eat Sora's Grandma?" she asked politely, kicking her foot out behind her as she rubbed her giant paw-gloves together in front of her skirt. "It's part of the plot."

"Aw..." Yen Sid stared. "Damn. Fine. As long as you give her back after the fic."

Smiling, Kairi gave a gleeful hop, throwing her hands into the air, "Okay!"

"But don't eat her till the cookies are done?" Yen Sid requested.

"Oh, sure, Aloria gave me all the time I'd need!"

_Back in the dimension of the Plot Hole Sora fell into..._

"I did _NOT_ shriek like a little Japanese school girl!" Sora shouted, flailing his arms as he floated in the black depths of the Plot Hole. Various strange objects floated past him, things like left socks and spare car keys, those pennies you leave in your pocket when you put them through the wash and never see again- all sorts of useful items that disappear from one place and appear in another completely at random. And of course, there were amorphous shapes that were supposed to be plot devices that never quite worked out the way they were supposed to and in the end got chucked, but their removal leaves a large space in the plot that never quite gets filled or explained.

Yes, this was the realm Sora was floating in, sitting cross-legged on nothing, munching another cake. "Look, Aloria! I'm _sorry_ for hurting your feelings. You can narrate all you want!"

_It's too late now, the Fic is half finished!_

"You're vindictive," Sora muttered.

_You bet your heart-shaped ass I am!_

"H-heart-shaped?" Sora squawked and flailed. "What the heck do you mean by _that_?"

_Exactly what I said! Your ass is heart-shaped. Or was in the first game. I spent hours just running you in circles so I could stare at it._

Turning gray, then slightly green, Sora swallowed, "Pedophile." He crossed his arms and pouted.

_Teehee..._

_Now, back to the Plot Line._

Kairi sipped the last of her milk and set the glass down, "So then Riku saved me from Xemnas's psychotic killer, Saix and gave me a flowery Keyblade to use on the Heartless because Sora was fooling around with Xigbar on the level below me and didn't catch up till _after_ Riku and I had killed all the Heartless around us..."

_Ahhem!_

Blinking, Kairi looked up, "Oh, right! Sorry!" Clapping her hands together, Kairi smiled sweetly, "The Authoress wants to get on with the fic now. So, Yen Sid, if you'd please come back in an hour?"

Standing from his chair and wiping cookie crumbs from his lips, the old wizard nodded sagely. "Of course. Good bye for now." With that, he puffed away in a cloud of smoke and Kairi turned towards Sora's Grandma and...

In a puff of smoke, Sora landed on the grass in front of Grandma's slightly opened gingerbread gate and slowly picked himself up, dusting the grass off his clothes. Peering up at the sky, he frowned, "Geez! You kept me in there for _hours_, Aloria!"

Picking up his basket, Sora glowered and stalked over to the gate and stepped through it. "I wish Grandma would just get some white rocks or something instead of powdered sugar! She's always griping about how I track it all over the house."

Stepping onto the front porch, Sora tried to kick some of the powder off the bottoms of his shoes before ringing the doorbell. He knew better than to knock since the door was covered in honey and he already knew Kairi had been there because there was sticky gray fake wolf-fur all over the door and knob.

"Who's there?" Kairi called from within, not even bothering to change her voice because she knew she couldn't do it convincingly anyway. The giggle at the end was completely unnecessary, however, it caused Sora to swoon pathetically.

"It's me, Sora."

"Man! You're late! I need to get home soon or my mom will have a fit!" Kairi complained, "Come in!"

Wrinkling his nose at the sticky knob, Sora carefully turned it and pushed the door open, licking his fingers clean as he stepped in. The smell of fresh baked cookies hit him in the face and he turned immediately, heading to the kitchen, hunting for the cookie jar. "If you're looking for the cookies, there aren't any left!" Kairi called from another room.

"AW! You didn't _save_ any for me?" Sora whined and turned away from his hunt through the kitchen.

Kairi shouted back, "No, because I know there aren't any cakes left!"

Pausing, Sora looked into his basket and winced, "Well- It's Aloria's fault for keeping me in that Plot Hole so long!"

Only inarticulate grumbling answered that comment, and Sora headed down the front hall towards his grandma's bedroom. Pushing the door opened, he stopped in his tracks, blinking as Kairi yanked a robe around herself.

"EEK! _Knock_ would you?" she demanded and turned, hopping into his grandma's bed where she carefully arranged herself across the frilly white silk and lace sheets. "Okay. I'm ready now!"

Sora just stood there gaping.

_Your LINES Sora. Or have you forgotten them?_

"Er..." he squeaked, staring at the frilly blue _thing_ Kairi was wearing. Even if the _thing_ covered more skin than her bathing suit did, Sora couldn't stop staring.

_Sora..._

"Er... uh... what...what big uh..."

"All the better to see you with my dear," Kairi finished.

"Uh-huh," Sora nodded stupidly as Kairi wiggled her toes and propped herself up on her elbows. "Uh- what... uh. Um..."

"All the better to hear you with my dear," Kairi sighed in exasperation.

"Uh-huh..." Sora mumbled, "Wow..."

"_Wow_?" demanded a new voice and Riku stomped in, grabbing Sora by the scruff of the neck, dragging him across the room, "He's presented with a mostly naked Kairi and all he can say is _Wow_? What a complete _retard_! Maybe its better he doesn't get laid. His offspring would degrade the gene pool." With that, Riku shoved Sora head-first into Kairi's tits.

Blushing to the roots of his hair, Sora flailed only briefly as he was swallowed whole by Kairi, and how the hell she fit an entire boy in her mouth we'll never know. However, the _real_ question is how she manages to not get fat on a steady diet of Bishonen.

_And the moral of this story is: ... I really don't know what the moral is._

"Oh!" Kairi bounced excitedly, dressed once again, "I know! The moral is to not tick off Aloria, for she is a vindictive bitch and has mighty Authoress Powers that should not be trifled with."

_Why... Yes. That sounds like a good moral!_

_The End!_

"Wait!" Sora howled, his voice echoing stangely. "How can you end it like _that_!"

_You got ate! How else can I end it?_

"Uh... Cast Riku as the Woodsman?" Sora suggested.

"Nuh-uh," Riku stated, "I couldn't chop Kairi up any more than you could!"

"Roxas?" Sora whimpered pleadingly.

Riku shook his head, "He's run away to Vegas with Axel for their honeymoon and won't be back for two weeks."

_Hehe..._

_**The End!**_


End file.
